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[20 Oct 2006|09:59pm] |
Rainstorms make me feel uneasy sometimes.
I felt really really awkward and afraid all day.
I love Julia and Whitney and Degrassi and Frankie, though! They make me feel not awkward.
And when I picked up Food Not Bombs donations tonight, we actually got bread from Big Sky because the jerky man wasn't there! Hooray!
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[18 Oct 2006|12:55pm] |
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[17 Oct 2006|08:35pm] |
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mood |
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 psyched! |
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music |
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rebel girl - bikini kill |
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I gotta say, I really love lemon soy yogurt.
I also really love broccoli and sweet potatos!
And bellydancing (but certainly not while I'm eating yogurt and veggies).
Tomorrow we have to take PSATS at school. HA! That's funny. I'm so not even concerned about it that it almost stresses me out knowing some people are probably studying for them right now. What? Weird. I don't know about you, but I'm just really excited that I get to miss class tomorrow and get out at 11:15. Word.
I had a tough day, kind of. I almost just started crying in math class because I was so overcome with frustration and "I don't even care about this, so why should I struggle to understand it!" feelings. Apparently there's something going on today about ultraviolet rays vibrating through the earth? I don't know. Jake told me about it, and it's supposed to make emotions and intentions super, ultra strong. Maybe that had something to do with it, even though I don't really understand still.
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[16 Oct 2006|11:11pm] |
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The Hafli where my bellydancing class is preforming our dance is on October 29th. I am freaking out just a little bit. I only have one more class where I can practice with the group! That scares the crap out of me. I know it will be fine and it will be fantastic, but I'm just scared. I always think I have to remember things perfectly when it really doesn't matter very much. This time it's not going to be as scary I bet because a)it's my second time preforming and b)it's not in front of that many people. A Hafli is like a belly-danceparty! I've never been to one, but from what I've heard it's just a room full of positive energy and dancing and smiling and love, which is so exciting.
Kelsey and I made pumpkin pie today and it's fantastic.
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[15 Oct 2006|07:56pm] |
Today was grand.
I met with Liz and homeschooling sounds too good. I really, really want to do it. It doesn't sound as weird or tricky as the whole North Atlantic thing, and not as textbook based. It sounds more like I do whatever I want all the time and learn and be happy and not sit at a desk all day or have to ask to leave the room to pee. Hey, sounds good to me.
The Teenage Liberation Handbook is really good so far. Read it if you're into being liberated from crap.
Hey. Let's hang out this week.
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[12 Oct 2006|11:20pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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blackalicious |
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Today was pretty alright. No fighting or squawking or screaming, thank fuck! School was regular and boring, which is probably for the better because Spirit Week is friggen interesting enough. It's pretty obnoxious. But, I don't really give a shit. It doesn't bother me more than school itself, so... whatever.
After school, I went to Bly's house! I love Bly. She's crazy and school takes up all of her time, and I wish it didn't because I never get to see her cute little face. Guess what? I'm going to move into her house and not pay rent and sleep on her bedroom floor for free. I haven't asked her yet though. I'm sure it'll be fine...
Elise and I went out to dinner tonight at Imperial China. I got a wicked spicy tofu thing that was awesome. Elise is rad! She gave me The Teenage Liberation Handbook and Guerrilla Learning for my birthday. Teenage liberation was signed by the author, Grace Llewellyn which is so exciting, you guys! I started reading it and it's fantastic. On Sunday I'm going to Casco Bay Books to talk to Liz (one of the owners, and the mother of an elementary school aquiantance) about homeschooling. She homeschooled her kids for a while and she sounded like she was really willing to talk to me about options and give me contacts. I'm so excited.
Please let this work out.
Did you guys know that koalas are freaking two centimeters long when they are born?
I'm jealous.
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[11 Oct 2006|08:21pm] |
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My parents and I had a big fight last night and I was really upset all day today, and then when I got home everything was FINE. How the fucken shit does that work? They act like everything's peachy when like, what, fifteen hours ago I was screaming and crying and yelling and it was obvious that we were in a really big fight and I was going to be mad for a while. I think it's because they think I'll leave... but I'm not sure. I walked around for an hour last night just fucking sobbing and I didn't know whose house I could go to. I desparately wanted to go to someone's house to stay the night because I didn't want to go home and see my dad... but I couldn't because I didn't want to show up crying and guilt anyone into taking me in. Hah. I don't want to be mad at them, but I am and I feel like I have a reason to be. They're allowed to be mad at me, too, but since they choose not to but still be dumb and mean about school shit, I absolutely have the right to complain about it. My dad told me last night that I just needed to toughen up because if everyone else can get through highschool, so can I. That really made me angry. After listening to me cry and complain and cry and hurt about school every day for about a year, you think I just need to toughen up? It's obviously all my fault in their minds. They think I'm just weak, but I think I've got something going if I can look at something and push through it for a god damn fucking year and realize it's definitely not okay with me. So, I'm weak because I understand my self and I know what I want? Oh. Cool. Now I understand. Not!
On a better note, tomorrow I get to see dearest Elise who I haven't seen in forever, and we're going to hang out and she's going to give me The Teenage Liberation Handbook How to quit school and get a real life and education (for me) and Guerilla Learning How to give your kids a real education with or without school (for my parents to read).
THEN on Friday I get to watch the new episode of Degrassi with Julia and Whitney. Fantastic!
Spirit week is obnoxious as fuck, you guys!
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[10 Oct 2006|08:53pm] |
Gee, Father, I guess you must be right. The reason I don't want to go to school is obviously that I just need to toughen up. I can't believe I didn't realize that! You know what's best for me, and you're always right.
I skipped bellydance class because I was really exhausted and now I wish I had just gone. There wouldn't be so much fucking crazy all over this house probably. Not active crazy anyway. Um.
So... this is my dad's logic, and I quote:
"ALL YOU FUCKING DO IS TELL US HOW MEAN WE ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
'Cause, you know, that's not mean.
At all.
And... I'm not saying that I don't regularly tell my parents that they're unreasonable and annoying and mean, because I definitely do and I take full credit for it... but seriously. That's absurd. Get over yrself, dad.
I need to get the fuck out of here for a few days.
Portland people: If I can stay at your house for a night or two please tell me. I can't live here.
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[09 Oct 2006|08:57pm] |
My parents are ignorant as fuck.
My school is ignorant as fuck.
Everything sucks because of that.
Very little would suck in my life if I could do what I fucking want.
We are not the same person.
Do you understand?
Obviously you do not.
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[09 Oct 2006|12:40am] |
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mood |
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Ariel just mentioned making warm, snuggly blanket nests and blanket forts and now that's the only thing I can think about. Those are probably the two best ideas in the entire world, almost.
Today I got to see my sister.
She got me some unicorn earrings and I got some grey and black striped knee socks. I like 'em. I really like knee socks. I don't like my legs enough to show them off though, unfortunately.
Want to go to the People's Freespace open mic on Thursday at 6pm with me?
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| like this? |
[08 Oct 2006|01:09pm] |
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Hey, it's kind of like it's Saturday except there's no Food Not Bombs.
And because it's Sunday.
But there is no school tomorrow.
Let's make plans.
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[07 Oct 2006|10:57pm] |
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A strange, middle-aged man talked to me for a while at Food Not Bombs today. It was really awkward, but listen to this I thought it was funny. He said since I was the next generation, he needed to ask me two questions.
1. What does "fnord" mean?
2. Why do 'you kids' wear your underwear so high and your pants so low!?
I told him I didn't really have an answer for either.
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[06 Oct 2006|10:21pm] |
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 cranky |
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madeline |
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I'm really needing some more bulk dried fruit from Wild Oats already.
Damn.
It's 10:21 on a Friday night and I'm not even really excited that I don't have to go to school tomorrow. I'm glad, but not as glad as I god damn should be. I hope Food Not Bombs isn't as much of a disaster as it was last week. I hope there are tables are the Freespace that are not broken. I hope our carton with our sign, table cloth and dishes are there. I hope the only people with a car will pick up donations. I can't think of anything we can make with just corn. Except... corn. But that's a given. Why can't people just not be flakes all the time? Not like I'm never a flake, but I also can't drive... and I'd at least try to get donations sometimes if I could.
I'm sick of people telling me I should go to college. I'm sick of people telling me I should try harder on my homework and study for more tests. I'm sick of the same people that are forcing me to go to school and be miserable, telling me those things.
And I'm sick of this:
"I don't think I'm going to go to college. Not right after highschool anyway."
"OH, WHAT, YOU WANT TO JUST GO STRAIGHT TO WORK!?"
Yeah. That's EXACTLY the reason. I didn't put any thought into it, right? I did eeny-meeny-miny-moe and it told me I should go straight to work. You either have a shit job or go to college, and that's the end, right?
Ever think that maybe the same type of school you want me to continue for six more years is the type of school that's killing me more quickly than slowly, it seems? Tools!
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[05 Oct 2006|07:11pm] |
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mood |
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 disappointed kind of |
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Today sucked.
Probably tomorrow will, also.
BUT! I get to see Julia and Whitney and we're going to watch Degrassi and I hope it will be fantastic. They're lovely and Degrassi is so good.
Wanna know something?
Hearing people say (ie: at school) "I think you can achieve a lot more than this." really hurts me sometimes, even though I don't care. I guess it's all that I hate disappointing people even if it's about stupid fucking things that shouldn't and don't matter, like fucking biology tests.
BELLYROBICS ON OCTOBER 22ND!!!!!!!!! :)
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[04 Oct 2006|12:03am] |
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mood |
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lonely! |
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Today I felt so achy and bloated and my stomach hurt more than anything on my body has in a long time. It was terrible. I was at school, sitting all day and it was god damn miserable. The day felt a lot longer than it should have, for those reasons. On the way home, I was in so much pain I could barely walk. I mean, I could walk and I did, but it was so unenjoyable in every single way. It felt like suuuuuch a long walk, but it's not at all. I feel better now, but that shit was like... seven hours long. Fucken ow.
We get out at 12:55 tomorrow! And I'm gonna walk around the boulevard with the Kelsey.
I had such an awkward bellydancing class tonight. It was a little bit disappointing. I felt so out of the loop and like I couldn't do ANYTHING. I wish I could Arabic Walk. Practice, practice, practice...
My life is freezing over, so let's snuggle.
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| It's been raining for a while now. |
[02 Oct 2006|11:30pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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It's been raining - Kimya Dawson |
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I'm doing my health homework right now and I hate it. I don't mind the class, but listen to this and tell me if you think this is uncalled for. We watched a video about eating disorders today, that's fine. Then our homework is to do this sheet. Here are some sample questions. Ready?
-If you've ever dieted, what event triggered your first diet?
-If anything, what would you want to change about your body?
-What affects your personal body image?
Then there is a thing with some drawn female and male bodies and they go from super skinny to super not-skinny and you have to choose which one fits you the most, which one you think the opposite sex finds most attractive and which one we'd most like to look like. Because first of all, everyone is attracted to the opposite sex, right? And... all boys are attracted to the same body type and I'm supposed to be able to know which one that is, right? And everyone feels comfortable rating their bodies. Yeah... no. Bullshit, Mr. Leroy. Bull-shit.
Anyway. This makes me uncomfortable. Enough about that.
Hey. I'm cold and lonely.
I'll most definitely be this way until about June or so.
Visit me sometime will ya?
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| I want a cuddle buddy. |
[01 Oct 2006|10:14pm] |
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mood |
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 I have no idea. |
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music |
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kimya dawson makes me cry. she's perfect. |
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It's so cold out, you guys. And as psyched I am that it's fall now, I'm so mega-NOT-psyched for winter to come. I don't really know how to handle things like freezing-cold-below-zero-weather, depression, school, short days and being lonely and sad most of the time. It's just so long. And I know you know how I feel, most of you.
I ate at Flatbread today with my parents and my aunt and uncle. It was really delicious. I saw this boy that used to live next to me when I was little. It's so weird when I run into people I knew when I was a little kid. Soooo weiiiirrrd. I've been having a lot of nostalgic little-kid feelings these days. The other day, I'm not sure what it was, but something reminded me of my grandparent's old house. It might have been a smell, even though I couldn't tell you what it really smelled like. It just smelled like a memory. And I miss it a whole bunch whenever that happens to me... which is frequently, lately.
Well, at least I have bellydance tomorrow. And the next day. Last week, I finally got so overheated in that little upstairs room that I took my shirt off and danced in my sports bra thing. It was really, really awesome because I felt better than I had in a long time. I just got over myself and got over feeling fat and disgusting and gross all the time, and danced comfortably and beautifully. It was empowering to finally feel like I don't have to be size zero to be pretty and a good dancer. As many times as I tried to convince myself that, it hadn't hit me until I actually did something about it. Even though that is a very small thing that I did, and no one even noticed probably except me (because it's a BELLYdance class. haha.) it was big for me, and it rocked my life.
Anyway. I gotta go be freezing and that kind of thing. See you at fucking school tomorrow, jerks!
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[01 Oct 2006|04:03pm] |
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Autumn is fabulous!
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